a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
