shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
