george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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