Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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