I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
