I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
