I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He? As in you personified your dick?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
