You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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