Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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