I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
