i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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