it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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