We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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