I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
