he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
