well I can't set my house on fire every night
my sisters under your porch take her home
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
worst night to have a conscience
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
