they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize