I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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