We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
