so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
