shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
