i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
