I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
