No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
