i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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