good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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