you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
