I met the friendliest cop last night
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
