i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He passed out mid-signature
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
