he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
