Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
