I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
