At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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