I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
