i think i scared a bird with my dick
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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