Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
