The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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