Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
