Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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