Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
