I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize