Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
