I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
