90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
