My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
