Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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