This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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