Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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