Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
