Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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