I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
