It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
