Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
