RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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