I just made out with a guy for $7.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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