Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
COCAINE IS GR8
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
