I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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