I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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