there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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