I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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