You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
