im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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