I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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