I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
