My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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