Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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