3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
