Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
