i barfeds in our rink
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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