I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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