Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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