the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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