jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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