Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
