Even the bartender felt bad for me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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