Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
