Don't make out with my wife yet
Welp...herpes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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