What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
