It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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