New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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